I will resume my postings... if it's the last thing I do!

It's not even that I don't have the time (not much, mind you), it's that I haven't MADE the time.  This is significant because as busy as I am/feel, there is always some sort of therapeutic result after I write even the smallest entry. My point? I need to make the time, even if it's just to get stuff out and share with the billions of readers of my blog. ;)

So much has taken place, changed, evolved, blah, blah, blah... since I last wrote.

I have to speak in church on Sunday. I don't get very nervous about this for some reason and I'm grateful. What's the big deal?! It's only saying stuff to a few hundred people.

My point in mentioning my talk, is that this is the reason I realized that I need to get back to posting on my blog. I have been very introspective, contemplative and all those other things that can be truly awesome or sometimes, just downright painful (if we're all being honest here) and there are so many things I want to write down and remember... even share.

So, here is my repentance post. There will be more to follow, even if it's after I speak on Sunday, but sometime this week.

In closing, I'm adding an awesome quote that struck me.

The more we devote ourselves to the pursuit of holiness and happiness, the less likely we will be on a path to regrets.

PRESIDENT DIETER F. UCHTDORF

My sick day- part 2

Yesterday was brutal for me, but interestingly, only because I was sick. My kids were A-MA-ZING! I woke up at 9 am. This may not mean anything to anyone else, but when I see the time and it’s after 8, deep and genuine fear sets in. No child lets their parent sleep in, it just doesn’t happen…especially when there are 5 and especially when I’m sick.

I managed to pull myself out of bed, despite my certainty that I am breathing my last few breaths (I’m not typically such a baby, but this flu bug really, really sucks). I began to mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually prepare to enter the lion’s den downstairs. I was fully expecting to hear screaming and fighting…and possibly even a few sirens. I couldn’t believe what I saw. Sarah and Kaitlyn (my 10 and 8 year old) had made breakfast for themselves and the boys. They had Leah (my SIX MONTH OLD!!!) happily playing on the floor.  They had done the dishes (for the moms who think this is an absolute lie, it is not!) and cleaned up in general. Despite my illness, I managed enough strength to remove my lower jaw from the floor. My kids are not only amazing, but they’re actually very thoughtful!

I am currently working out a plan to communicate with the pod planet. I have several requests and only a few complaints. I would like them to allow me to keep these pod children they have sent and then just return mine when they’re full adults (I don’t want them gone forever). As for any other issues I might have with the leader of the pod planet, they are very minor and I might even say a non-issue nowadays. I would probably say that my chief complaint is more about my replacement than any others…that will just resolve itself in time.  Ahhhh time… sometimes time just really sucks!

So the rest of yesterday just played out this way. Once I put the baby down for her nap and Eli down for his, the girls held down the fort. They let me sleep for a full 3 hours, which is unheard of in mom world.  It helped, but just enough to allow me to get up again. I hate that feeling when you’re sick and just wake up from a nap and have a split second when you think that you might just be better…then as fast as that thought came, it’s replaced by the reality of your actual physical state. I ended the day feeling as crappy as I started it.

Today, I’m not as bad as yesterday, but this thing still won’t leave me alone! I was pleased to at least have some entertaining reading. I also found that a very dear friend had thoughtfully considered some things I might like to do while sick. I love her!

I think tonight will be good. James is taking the boys to the father/son campout overnight. I will put in a movie for the girls and do some serious couch warming! This will allow me the down time I need, but also give me a chance to catch up on some fun and entertaining reading, movies and whatever else I can do with my computer and a pair of headphones. It’s possible I will actually be able to finish the rest of my original blog post that I started last weekend… I hope!

I wish Les Miserables (the new one that’s not out yet) had come out last year…among other things,  I would just be re watching that over and over. I can’t wait!!

My Sick Day- Part 1

As my day progressed, I felt the symptoms of the flu becoming stronger and stronger.  I was completely blindsided, since I felt great earlier today. By about 2 p.m. it was clear. I was done for!

So it’s me…and them, all five of them!

Most parents know this, but we pretend like it’s not as petrifying as it actually is.  Children, much like the piranha, smell fear and weakness (I have no idea if this is true of the Piranha, but I have 5 little guppies that seem vicious at this very moment, so...) Is this why Eli woke up precisely the moment I was diagnosing myself? Is this the reason that Leah woke up from her nap 15 minutes later, only to make it clear that SHE WILL BE EATING RIGHT THEN?! I can’t be sure, but I am suspicious.

I debated for a few minutes if it was time to call in reinforcements. My husband is only 20 min. away from home, so why shouldn’t he have to suf… er, why wouldn’t he want to come home and help, be with his family and bond with his children? It made perfect sense to me. The only problem is that this was just hitting me.  If I was even worse tomorrow, I would need him more then.  I can’t use that as my ace In the hole, not yet!

I had hoped I would improve (I’m not sure why), but nope. I feel terrible.  I feel so sick that one (namely me) could argue that I might need to be quarantined. Nothing major, just locked up in my room with my computer and a few amazing movies… for health reasons, and most importantly, the good of the family! Yes, I’m that kind of mother who sacrifices in such ways, out of love, for my little piranhas.

What am I trying to say? I have a lovely look into my mind that is actually typed up (two if you count the one I started waaay back in January that I refer to as “my ongoing novel”. I would have been posting that if I had not become deathly ill? So that means… once again, I’m almost done.

Some don’t care, some do. If you are one that does care, I have not forgotten ANYTHING. I just never expected…life to happen. 

Lofty Goals ARE Lofty

I have this very nice and long entry that I have almost ready (meaning there are several things I need to revise). But I really would like to be a little better at reaching some of my smaller goals (mostly to show myself that it’s not that hard to do), so I’m going to post this little guy tonight and then throw the “real” entry up tomorrow.  It has so much more fun within, so…

Though there won’t be much in the way of “depth” with this entry, I do have a couple of thoughts that just can’t wait! They’re bursting to get out of my head, so I’ve gotta let them free.

I’ve been lucky enough to be surrounded (or cursed) by people who have a very, particular strength that I do not have. There may not be a word for it, because I try to shape and mold the definition so it feels better for me. If I ignore the sting that comes with using this word that best describes this weakness, I could call it self-discipline….but I don’t like that word, so we won’t use it. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable, so we'll just go a head and move on now. 

Essentially, if I can justify (which I can do very well) why I should or should not do something, I’ve almost already made up my mind.  I like to call this thing, determination. I’m finding that this only fits, when the circumstances or results are positive.  I admire those who possess this strength, even if they have to dig deep to find it…and sometimes, don’t even know they have it.  I admire those people, for I am not one of you!

I’m amazed at the clarity that comes when we look for it.  I find that if I’m franticly looking for an understanding or meaning, I just become more panicked. It’s in those calm, methodical moments when we (or at least I) make the best decisions.  I haven’t had many of those for these last several months…or this last year.  I’m learning that I have to remember that I once trusted myself to make better, and even wise choices.  I think that’s the whole idea behind determining who we are and what our own sense of self-worth really means and what it really IS.

I have a point. You just might have to wait until tomorrow to fully understand it, because it’s late and I am not the 20 yr old, child-free girl I once was. 

Parenting and Potties

If memory serves, it only took my daughters about 6 minutes to become potty trained. My first son only took... a while, but this 3 year old teenager of mine, seems to have this idea that he's the boss of his bodily functions and what he does with them. I'm not exactly sure where he got that idea, but here we are!

I'm convinced that when Eli was born, he took a look around, assessed the situation and determined right then and there how things would be from here on out. He's what my husband I lovingly refer to as "Our Prima Donna". Is labeling your children wrong? Is giving him a label that often refers to the female lead in an opera wrong? Yes. We did it anyway. I can easily justify that for two reasons. One, it's funny. Two, he is one!

He's seriously the coolest kid in the world. He makes me laugh all the time. I adore this child. He's just slightly OCD and... well, a Prima Donna. This makes things difficult, because my husband and I don't exactly appreciate whining like most other parents, so... Often this causes my husbands teeth to be ground down ever-so-slightly, as he listens to Eli let out a blood curdling banshee cry, when he doesn't appreciate what is taking place at any given moment.

My point? Eli will be potty trained when he's darn good and ready! He is happy to oblige as long as he's going around bottomless. The problem I have with this, is that I don't like labels. I'm happy to give them to my innocent children, but I don't want one, especially the ones that include the words "trash" and "ghetto" in them.

In the end, we might have to explain to Eli's college professor that he'll have to let us know when Eli is "poopy", but at least he's happy and that's what really matters, isn't it?!

It's just a blog. So who cares if the whole world reads my journal?

Who knew a tiny baby could take up so much time...other than every mother in the world?! We just moved to the Chicago area (or to the native Chicagoian, Chicagoland)and I'm almost positive we just got here this morning, or that's the way it looks from all the boxes that surround me. I can't wait to stop sitting on boxes as chairs, and using the fridge box as a table. Alright, it's not that bad, but it does seem this way. I blame my wonderful, beautiful baby...it really is all her fault!

The last 6 months have been the most painful and difficult time I've had in my entire life. I can't even begin to describe half of what I've felt. It's not even that I couldn't find the words, it's that there really aren't words...or at least I haven't found any that could come close to articulating the overwhelming emotions tied to everything.

I was immensely blessed to care for the most phenomenal woman I've ever known- my mother. She was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease just over 2 years ago. She moved in with me last January so that we could care for her. She passed away in my home on September 9th. She lived and died with dignity, grace and a Christ-like love in her heart that I've never seen in any other. I miss her so much and I feel that daily.

Almost exactly 3 months after my mom passed away, I gave birth do my beautiful, sixth child, Leah Kathryn AnnEtta. She is our last and we couldn't have ended more perfectly. She is a wonderful mix of all our daughters and she has already brought such a spirit into our lives that I can't imagine being without.

In January, we accepted an opportunity to move away from what had not only become home again, but was the only place where the memories of my mom were so strong. We would leave the home where I cared for her and she died. We would leave the family (siblings) I so badly needed and start over in a place we had never been. I had so many mixed emotions about this. Not only did I have a newborn baby, but we would only have about 6 weeks in which to pack and make this 1200 mile move. Shelf any and all pain and mourning indefinitely.

We're here. There's so much to say about that, but for purposes I won't go into (I'll probably put that in another post someday...maybe), I'll briefly touch on my latest emotional state.

I'm in a place I have never been. I've been battling and feeling emotions that have never existed in my world. I'm not worried (although I was for a week or two), just frustrated. How long does it take to heal? I know that external factors are a huge part of the healing process, but there needs to be deadline. I have a family to take care of, a home to settle and life to live.

That being said, there is no part of me that worries I won't be fine. I just know that there's a certain protocol here, so I'm going to have to figure out what that is, so I never have to look back. That's the trick, isn't it? Learning, but not having to re-live. Quite an art, I believe.